Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen