just left a huge legacy in there
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Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
me doing my best
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.