Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Still cracks me up
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”