4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
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My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
love it when they get my name right
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.