When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
*cough*
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.