I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“i miss shittin on people”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”