People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
excuse me
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.