People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Need WebMD
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.