Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
You Might Also Like
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
asking santa clause for nudes
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat