I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.