When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
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I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”