Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.