RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes