New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?