*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
This is my brand.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
This is a sub tweet
huge if true: the moon
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.