He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Meat Cute
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
For the baby who has everything
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.