Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
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If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Still laughing at this stupid meme
those birds must be on payroll
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Very good news from my accountant
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase