Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”