Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money