I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….