You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
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Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy