My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Cause of death: Zumba
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
But is it really??
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”