Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
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School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
*pokes sex life with a stick
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My wedding will be open casket.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
i really liked this one
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail