I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
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if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.