Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no