Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Phonetics
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again