Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.