Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
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How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.