[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
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“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal