Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time