An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
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formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Good point.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.