My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Breaking news:
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different