I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.