Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
You Might Also Like
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
do what now??
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury