If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in