Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”