*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
You Might Also Like
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there