Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
You Might Also Like
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no