Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep