going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
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person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave