Hot Panini is in big trouble
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I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Lmbo
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
🤣😂
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother