BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
When you’ve simply given up.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.