[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.