Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff