[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.