Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?