Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better