I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
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Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.