My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..