I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My god she’s good.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.